Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Infamous Striped Shirt Skits Revealed

In my first book about De, A Harvest of Memories, I alluded to a couple of "infamous," semi-bawdy, strictly-for-laughs, 100% fantasy striped shirt skits that I had written after I had seen De wearing a particularly "sexy" (to me) blue and white striped shirt. Several people have written to me saying they wanted to read them after reading my book. The skits were in the original manuscript but had to be edited out because of word count constraints. So I'm publishing them here for the first time.

If you're printing out these "outtakes" and placing them into my book where they belong, these skits belong with the chapter, "Humor... A Difficult Concept."

And after you've read them, you'll realize what a card and a rascal De Kelley was to actually WEAR the same shirt at the next convention he knew I would be attending. (That story is in my book.)

I'm just using bogus initials for the other friend in the skits because she doesn't want to be identified in any way. ("Names have been changed to protect the guilty!" ROTFL!)

Infamous Striped Shirt Skit #1

De is onstage in Oakland on Saturday

De (to F -- short for Friend) Hi, F!

MF: Hello, you handsome devil!

De: Well, thank you!

F: I call 'em as I see 'em.

De: I know you do. Glad you could make it. (To audience.) She's from Tennessee. She follows me everywhere. She's crazy about me.

F: (joking) No, I'm not. I just want to be in the audience the day you slip up and wear that blue and white striped shirt in front of Kris.

Kris: Shut up, F.

De: I don't get it...

Kris (nervous): Shut up, F.

F: If I don't warm him, he might actually wear the darned thing sometime.

Kris: You're right. And then I'd chew my knuckles to the bone. Maybe we should tell him. But how, without making me look like a fool?

F: Don't worry. Let me handle it. Trust me. (To De.) She likes that blue and white striped shirt you wore to dinner on the east coast Trek cruise. And you've worn it a few times since then -- to conventions Kris wasn't at.

De: Oh, I see. Well, I'll be sure and wear it tomorrow so you can see it in person, Kris.

Kris and F: NO!!!!!

Kris: Oh, God, no! Anything but that!

De: Now, that doesn't make any sense at all: tell me you like something particularly well, and then tell me NOT to wear it.

Kris: Drop it, F. Forget it. Please.

F: Don't worry. I can handle it. (To De.) It makes perfect sense. Kris likes you, and she LOVES that striped shirt. COMBINE the two and she can't be held responsible for her actions -- and I sure as hell can't hold her down!

De: You can't be serious. Are you telling me that my lack of a striped shirt is all that's keeping me safe from Kris?

Kris: (sweating bullets; leaping to her own defense) Well, I wouldn't go THAT far! (to F) Now that's enough!

F: That shirt acts as a sort of visual stimulant to her, I guess. Sort of like an aphroDEsiac...
(Everybody in the audience laughs like crazy.)

Kris: Gee, F, thanks for explaining it so I wouldn't be embarrassed! Next time I'll handle my OWN explanations, thank you very much!

De: (also laughing) Well, that's CRAZY!


Infamous Striped Shirt #2

De arrives on stage on Sunday wearing the blue and white striped shirt!!! He's grinning like the Cheshire cat and looking straight at Kris, implying: GOT'CHA, KRAZY KRIS!

De: Good morning, Kris!

Kris: I don't believe it. You little sh--!

De: Do you like my shirt???

Kris: I love your shirt...

F: Kris, would you like my help beating him to a pulp?

Kris: No... Let him have his fun. We'll see who gets the last laugh. (To De.) Okay, smarty pants, you want to live dangerously... (She gets up and heads for the stage)

De: (laughing) What are you going to do to me?

Kris: I don't give away the ending of a story any more often than you do.

De: You're not going to do anything you'll regret later, are you?

Kris: Why Deee... there's nothing I could do to you that I would regret later...

De: (smile fading, a wee bit of alarm setting in) Kris -- are you going to do anything to me that I would regret later?!

Kris: Gee, I don't know... I guess we'll find out!

De: Kris... F? Help?

F: Sorry, De. You were warned. You made your bed. Now you're going to have to lie in it. (F gets up, looking as if she'll assist Kris)

De: OK, you two! Enough is enough. Just WAIT a minute!

Kris (arriving on stage, fondles the material on De's sleeve): Nice material, De...

De: OK, I surrender. You win. Let's call it even.

Kris: EVEN? I haven't even BEGUN to get even!

De: CAROLYN! Help me!

Carolyn: Sorry, De. You have it coming. I TOLD you not to wear that shirt!

De: CAROLYN! (Carolyn shakes her head and crosses her arms, showing no mercy or sympathy.) (De to the girls) OK, I'm taking this shirt off, right now. OK?

F: Great idea. That'll get KRIS off your back, at least.

Kris: Of course, then you'll have F to contend with. She just LOVES hairy chests -- especially yours.

De: Oh, dear... Look, ladies... I'm sorry. I was just trying to add a little levity to these proceedings.

Kris: Well, I'm entertained.

F: Me, too. I don't think I've ever had a better time...

De: Uh... perhaps I'll read my second poem now...

Kris: If you think you can...

De: (clears his throat) "Twenty years ago in a galaxy far, far away..." (Kris starts unbuttoning De's shirt.) Oh, crap... where was I?

Kris: Beats me!

F: Frankly, my dear, we don't give a damn!

De: CAROLYN, LOVE OF MY LIFE, MY WIFE, MY SALVATION! If you love me, you will come up here right this minute and tell these two women to leave me alone!

Carolyn (to Sue, De's fan club Prez): I think he's had enough. He's about ready to cry.

Sue: I agree. Poor guy...

Carolyn: All right, girls. At ease!

F: (to Carolyn) Thanks for the heads up about the shirt, Carolyn. We worked hard on this got'cha half the night, and it went even better than planned!

De: You -- you PLANNED this?! (glaring at Carolyn, completely flabbergasted)

Carolyn: Well, of course, dear. You DON'T think I'd have let it go on this long if I wasn't in on it, so you?

De: I am going to BURN this shirt! And if I didn't like the three of you so well, I'd...

C, F and K: You'd --- ????

De: I don't know. There's nothing I can come up with that's appropriate punishment! I'd like to turn you ALL over my knee!

F: Ooh, sounds like FUN!

De: Oh, Lord... here we go again...

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Perhaps you have a little better understanding of how I "achieved" the moniker "Krazy Kris" in STAR TREK fandom?

There's plenty additional evidence in the book, so those of you who have read it know already that the name fits... or did, in the earliest days of my association with the Kelleys.


Mjo said...

loved reading the entire skit...and how both De and carolyn were in on your antics...

Kristine M Smith said...

Always! T'was De and Carolyn, Carolyn and De... WHEE!!!

You know Carolyn put De up to wearing the striped shirt at the next convention after they's read these skits! I guess I passed her test: I behaved myself. No one heard a peep outta me the entire time (mostly because I was embarrassed and dumbstruck. The whole De Kelley fan club knew about the shirt skits by the time he wore the shirt in front of me --because Sue had published them in the fan newsletter!)