September 11, 2007

In memory of the thousands who lost their lives in the terror attacks on the United States in 2001 and in honor of all the heroes who stepped up to the plate that day and continue to do so all the days since to do your best to keep something like this from happening again…

I hope this also becomes the day Aunt Tod goes to heaven… She needs to be free now. She doesn’t even seem to know she’s here, except for when a noise startles her, so she may as well be there…

I just worry every day she’s still here that’s she might start to suffer in some way. There’s no way to find out how she feels now, but she doesn’t seem in any kind of distress except that her breathing has changed to infrequent, seemingly labored in-takes of air… and if she were wide awake at this point, I think that would be distressing to her. It is to me, to watch her and wonder if it hurts in any way, and which one will be her last…

I see why some people can’t bear to be at the bedside of a dying loved one. It isn’t for the faint-hearted or for those without a strong faith, that’s for sure. If not for my faith, I don’t think I could bear it…

I figure birth is this traumatic, too, for the one coming down the birth canal (not to mention for the mother). Birth and death aren’t easy to watch or to go through. Both require a lot of faith! They are both birthing processes, but the one at the end of one’s life is an out-going, not an in-coming… so it seems sadder… except for the one who finally gets to the other side and is greeted by a welcoming committee of angels and other loved ones who have gone before! That must be utterly GLORIOUS!

I just keep singing softly and praying her through and talking to her from time to time, letting her know it’s okay to go when she’s ready…

At noon I sat and spoke with her and patted her, and prayed for her (Numbers 6:24 ff). Her eyes are open sometimes, but unseeing… or, at least not seeing what’s in the room (or are we the ones blind to seeing what’s in the room: angels!) What she "sees" is not at all disturbing, and that’s wonderful.

I will be at her bedside tonight too until close to 8 p.m. Bobbie has called and left a few messages, hoping to find me at home, but I haven’t been -- and when I do get home, I go straight to bed because I don’t sleep well at night right now, all too aware that the phone can ring at any moment telling me to drive back to Hospice for Tod’s final moments…

There will be time to connect again, but not tonight, for sure… and maybe not tomorrow night, either.

Aunt Tod is one tough cookie. I guess it’s how she got to 94 years of age!!