Tuesday, October 20, 2009


OK, I'm on a roll, here.


Now, remember, I wrote this before De passed away... He read it, too, and wrote a back cover blurb for this book. (He wrote the foreword for LET NO DAY DAWN THAT THE ANIMALS CANNOT SHARE, too... *sigh* What a guy! Ended it with a PS: "Dammit, Kris, I'm an actor -- not a writer!")

I wrote this next one strictly for laughs!

I am the official polisher of two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I polish actor DeForest Kelley's star and Paramount producer A.C. Lyles' star. Every weekend I head to Hollywood and scrub 'n' buff my stars. Other stars are polished about once a month by other fans, but with so many feet trampling over them, I've decided that more often is better. That way "my" stars look good all the time. It's my way of honoring two people who have helped make so much Hollywood entertainment into the magical and exciting masterpieces they are.
But a solemn, serious duty it is not. I consider it "recess" to a great extent. I've often imagined having a conversation with "Mr. Kelley" (not De -- he's my FRIEND!) about the eccentric duty I've taken upon myself. A.C. is exuberant and ecstatic that I polish his star, and tells nearly everyone that he has a dedicated star polisher. Very few of the stars on the Walk of Fame have been adopted in this way by fans. De is somewhat more circumspect. (I think he's a little embarrassed, frankly...)
I imagine the conversation would go something like this:
ME: (singing to the tune of ROW YOUR BOAT)
Scrub, scrub, scrub De's star
I do it with such joy
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Buffin' up McCoy
De: I wish you'd stop that.
Me: Well, you want your star to be shiny and clean, don't you?
De: I suppose,but...
Me: You don't want to get pollution and rubber sole marks and gum all over it, do you?
De: I guess not, but --
De: YOU are!
Me: ME?! I'm DE-VOTED!!!
De: You're DE-MENTED! The very least you could do is wear a disclaimer cap or sum'pin that says, "His other fans are normal..."
Me: (frowns) I could do that -- but it might draw attention.
De: MIGHT DRAW ATTENTION?! What do you suppose you're doing down on your hands and knees on Hollywood Boulevard?! ANSWER ME THAT!
Me: Polishing your star.
De: (sigh) Why can't you let the street cleaners do it?
Me: It doesn't get done often enough. Besides, then it'd be clean only when they're ALL clean. It wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb.
De: That's okay.
Me: No, it isn't.
De: Yes, it is.
Me: No, it isn't.
De: You're arguing with me.
Me: I am?
De: Yes.
Me: Oh. Sorry. (blush) (pause) I am ONLY being dutiful and respectful there on Hollywood Boulevard.
De: THAT'S a switch!
Me: Yes, it is. So why ya upset?
De: I don't know... It IS a sweet thing to do.. I just wish someone else was doing it!
De: Sorry, that sounded worse than it should have. It's nothing personal, Kris.
Me: I suppose you'd prefer some teeny-bopper or a big Paramount executive.
De: No. I thought the designated street cleaner was a fine idea, as you'll recall. He -- or she -- doesn't wear De jackets and make a big deal out of it.
Me: I don't make a big deal out of it, either. I just DO it. I can't help it if passersby stop passing by while I'm doing it to ask questions -- and go away educated! I've told a bunch of them that you've been makin' movies FOREVER!
Me: I mean, since the talkies.
De: That's only slightly better.
Me: I mean... I tell people you ain't just good ol' boy McCoy. You've been a badass cowboy, a scoundrel, a thief, and a liar... in the movies and on TV, that is.
De: (suddenly curious) How many people didn't know that already?
Me: I took a survey. Five didn't know.
De: How many DID know?
Me: 17, 596.
De: GAWD AWMIGHTY! You took a survey of 17,601 people on Hollywood Boulevard -- and you don't think you were attracting any attention?!!!
Me: De... calm yourself. I was joking about the survey. I was just trying to impress upon you how much WORSE it would have been if I had decided to do more than "just" polish your star. But I am respectful and reverent, remember? I wouldn't do anything to embarrass you.
Me: I promise you!
De: I feel better.
Me: I was going to install blinking lights around your star, but figured somebody might trip...
De: Oh, God...
Me: So I didn't do that.
De: I'm very grateful.
Me: Apparently I'M prouder of your star than YOU are!
De: Apparently.
Me: Liberace woulda loved me. I'm flamboyant like him.
De: I love you, too. I just can't think of any way to EXPLAIN you!
Me: You don't have to. I can explain myself. And people UNDERSTAND!
De: (to Carolyn) Carolyn, there's no hope left for the world. People UNDERSTAND Kris. The planet is doomed...
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Did you know? I made a poster board fan (affixed words and photos to it) to "fan" De's star with while it dried after I had polished it.
I had to get De's permission to become his official star polisher. When I wrote to ask his permission, he called me n response to say yes, but then he added (chuckling), "Just don't get arrested!"
I asked him to sign my star polishing fan that way ("Just don't get arrested!") -- and he did!
I treasure it!

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