Letter to My 16 Year Old Self...

Hi, Kris!

It's me -- Kris, your 57 year old self.

Don't panic. I know you're prone to that right now, with the world spinning out of control -- the way it always seems to be...

I just thought I'd let you know a few things:

You're going to survive being sixteen and "under the thumb" of two parents who are beginning to get on your nerves and who are looking less perfect by the day. They don't "get" you at all -- a wannabee writer -- so they try to modify your goals because they're pretty sure you'll starve to death otherwise: "It's a cruel world out there, you know!"

Ah yes, you know that already.

Your dad's drinking like a fish and your mom isn't sure what to do about it. All she knows is she has to do everything she can to keep you and your sisters out of harm's way and the ranch afloat. Both of them are doing the best they can -- yes, even your dad -- so cut them some slack. (You won't do this until years from now -- cut them slack -- but I feel I should say it to you anyway. You can thank me later.)

Already in your young life, you've been through the assassination of a beloved President, and (I hate to tell you this, knowing what it will do to you) there are two more political assassinations coming up next year, in 1968. All three of these senseless killings will underscore the point that life (and loving people) can really mangle your heart if you let them in...

Many of your older sister's male classmates are going off to Vietnam, as will the guys in your class when they get older. Your sister's thinking about burning down the ROTC building as a protest against the war (later she'll become an attorney and uphold laws of the land -- go figure!) and you've made it very clear to her that if it burns down, you will supply her name and her statement to the authorities. Not because you love the war, or because you hate your sister, but because, deep down, you're perfectly aware that burning down other people's property is no way to behave.

Your mom and dad are fighting because money is scarce and your dad spends too much time in the bar while she works in the fields, irrigating. The word "bankruptcy" has been bandied about but Dad has a plan to encourage traveling tourists to your property so they can save the place. The plan will fail, and there will be a bankruptcy... and years of travel while they return to their original business (construction and remodeling) and rebuild their lives ...

You've been depressed for a while and can't figure out why. What's happening around you doesn't seem to depress anyone else. It frustrates them, pisses them off, makes them less than fun to be around, but nobody's actually moping. You're the only one who seems to feel like you're in a deep, dark hole, looking up, reaching up, but there's nothing to grab hold of and no one reaching in to help you out...

I know you've been thinking it would be so easy to just pull the covers over your head and waste away to nothing... to die and be out of the troubles that surround you. You wouldn't dream of suicide -- that would upset your family too much, and they don't deserve that -- but just curling up and dying would be a blessing of sorts, you're thinking.

Let me tell you something, kiddo.

You'll get through it all. You'll learn perseverance from your mother, how NOT to "cope" (via drinking) from your father (a good example of a bad role model, in more ways than one)...

and you'll find mentors (Alpha Rossetti, DeForest Kelley, Ted Crail) who believe in you and your gift of communication to the nth degree...

and eventually, you'll even make it back to the Jesus you loved so as a wee one. (Remember how Grandma B always told you that "Jesus will come looking for you when you stray and will bring you back safe and sound"? He will!)

And you'll develop earthbound friends who become unrepeatable, irreplaceable treasures... and you'll tell stories of your childhood that need to be told... and you'll rekindle the optimism you had when you were born, before you knew that white people in America were turning police dogs loose on black people just for being black and seeking a better life... before a President and his brother were shot... and friends began going off to war.

It won't get a whole lot better "out there" in this crazy, sometimes psycho world for quite a while, and at times it will get even worse, but inside, where it counts, you'll develop ways to remain peaceful, loving and hopeful.

It'll happen. Don't give up now. You're just a kid. A kid with big dreams.

Never, ever lose them!