Monday, April 12, 2010

Dreaming About De

I rarely dream about my friend and mentor DeForest Kelley, but on the rare occasions when I do, it's a real doozy, very vivid. I had such a dream two nights ago. 

I know what set it off.  Jackie received a thank you note from a friend whose handwriting was so like De's that it took my breath away. I'm not the jealous type, but I was a little jealous to see that the envelope was addressed to her and not to me! 

In my dream De had written me a letter asking me to travel with him from the U.S. to South America and Africa... and then he joked inside it, "And yes, we'll have separate sleeping quarters!"

I laughed -- and woke myself up!

The dream reflected a little bit of almost-history that never happened. De did ask me to accompany him to England one time when Carolyn couldn't go, and he didn't want to go alone. (He didn't go at all because I couldn't go.)  I had Deaken at the time and leaving him for an extended period with a stranger would have been too nerve-wracking for all concerned (Deaken, the caregiver, and me, wondering how the two at home were getting along -- or not!).

Deaken was very old then; I now suspect that De asked me to go because he wasn't feeling all that spiff himself, but he hadn't  divulged anything about his health challenges to me yet.  And when he was in the hospital a month or so before he passed away, he told me, "If I weren't stuck here, we could be flying all over the place!" (Actor JD Hertzler had invited him to a convention in Germany; he had to turn him down.)

For those of you who have read my book, you know there were no shenanigans in the boudoir (or anywhere else); ours was a totally above-board association and relationship, although he did joke a time or two about making it more. (Flattering to me and utterly benign. Remember the time in Carolyn's bathroom in the book?) So this dreamed letter was right on, which is was made it so endearing to me. It had the real stuff of life in it... the funny stuff.

I am so looking forward to seeing De again in heaven. Every time I dream about him, I get lonesome for the silliness and for the warmth and affection. He was the only guy I ever truly trusted completely and loved without limit (because I knew he accepted it in the way it was intended, not as a come-on.* See next paragraph.) The times I spent with De and Carolyn were among the best in my life, so it's good that I occasionally get vivid reminders of those times when I'm asleep.

* When Jackie met and hugged De for the first time, she said, "I've never hugged anyone as generous-of-spirit as he was. I had the sense, when I hugged him, that I could stay there in his arms for five minutes and he'd allow it and be there to embrace me back -- without any hint of 'sexuendo.'"   EXACTLY!!!!  His agape love was there for all the people who needed what Doctor Phil calls "a soft place to fall."  A safe place to be was inside De's heart.

I sometimes have dreams where I'm about to see De again, but it's in a time frame that I know he isn't still alive even while I'm dreaming, so I try to catch a brief glimpse of him just before I come fully awake enough to know that he's not there.  Rarely do I stay asleep long enough to see him. I didn't see him in the dream two nights ago -- just his letter. But for a moment it seemed he was alive again, and that we were going to get to go on a trip together after all.

My heart longs to see him again; my mind knows I can't until after I've graduated to where he is.  I'm just so thankful to God that I have total faith that I will see him again someday.

I simply don't know how people survive who think this life is the only one they'll have with their loved ones. For those people, death is the end. For me, death is evolving from a caterpillar into a butterfly...

I will celebrate flying away when it's my turn! The cheering section up yonder is larger than the cheering section down here these days!
Mom, Dad, De, Carolyn, Mrs. Rossetti, Aunt Tod... Puddles... Bursties... Deaken... lots more!

No comments: